High school graduation ceremonies are upon us and that means commencement speakers are giving graduates advice.

Here, I have all this valuable advice stored in my head, waiting patiently to be asked to speak at my alma mater.

Surprisingly (or not), no one has asked, so I have written out the questions I know every graduate ponders, along with my wise answers (all in good humor, of course).

Q. How do I tell my parents that I don’t want to go to college?

A. Then by all means, stay home! Don’t waste the money. Get a job at the local fast food joint for a year. I would bet money you’ll be ready to go to trade school or college after coming home smelling like grease and french fries every night.

Q: Gas to drive to work or college will cost me an arm and a leg! What do I do?

A: Nonsense! Don’t sell an arm or a leg! That’s counterproductive. If you can’t afford gas at today’s prices, volunteer for medical experiments. What’s a little mental trauma in exchange for a gallon of gasoline?

Q: What college classes should I sign up for?

A: Looking back on my own college career, I highly recommend the following: 1. Abnormal psychology — at last you’ll be able to diagnose your entire family. 2. British history — discover why the royals act the way they do. 3. Geology 101 — everyone should know how a septic tank works.

Q: What if I get to college and my professor won’t let me go to the bathroom during class?

A: A professor who won’t let students go to the bathroom has anger issues. Get to school early and use the bathroom before class.

Q: I don’t like my roommate. What do I do?

A: String a clothes line down the middle of your dorm room. Hang a blanket over it and stay on your side. Tell the roommate no crossing allowed.

Q: I heard college is harder than high school. What if I don’t know the answer on an exam?

A: Always provide an answer. Creativity is the key. For example, if you’re asked, ‘Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?’ Write: at the bottom.

Q: I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Should I go to college?

A: Join the crowd. Most people don’t know what they want to be when they grow up. Go with the flow, follow the money and become a rock star or career politician.

Q. Two semesters of foreign language are required for my major. What should I do?

A. That’s a tough one. I took French in high school and I don’t remember much of it except, “Mon, quels cheveux charmants d’aisselle vous avez-il!” (My what lovely armpit hair do you have!)

I took Spanish in college and only remember, “Dónde está el baño?” (Where’s the bathroom?)

Come to think of it, maybe it’s best I keep my advice to myself!

Staff writer Shelley Terry reminds graduates to not take life too seriously. No one makes it out alive. (Quote attributed to Elbert Hubbard).

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