I’ve been contemplating a few random thoughts for a happy New Year. For example:
• Life should come with background music. It would clear up a lot of confusion and possibly save lives.
In movies and TV shows, when a character utters an important point — Boom! the big crescendo tells us so. We know to pay attention.
If we hear the laugh track instead, we know the idea was ridiculous. We are free to chuckle and forget it.
A thing like this would save me from giving laugh track responses when my wife makes big crescendo statements. Sometimes, I fail to discern the difference on my own.
Oh, I find out afterward, all right. At those times, I swear I can hear some Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote music playing — with me starring as the hapless coyote about to get bonked again.
• Theme music also would be useful.
When a baseball player heads to the batter’s box, his theme music blares across stadium speakers. Take in a performance of the musical “Phantom of the Opera,” and whenever you hear that bass line rising, you know to search for the Phantom because he is there. And when you hear the “baaaa-dump” in a “Jaws” movie, you know the shark’s about to attack.
We need theme music in our everyday lives.
I wouldn’t be caught napping at my desk nearly as often if a bass line or a shriek or something would warn me that the boss was about to round the corner.
• Speaking of which, wouldn’t it be awesome if people were just as proud of us today as they were when we were kids when we take long naps?
Adults are always putting the kids down for a nap. Nobody ever does the same for the adults.
“Little Jimmy gets cranky without his afternoon nap,” a parent will explain.
Yeah, well, I’m feeling kind of cranky myself, but if I doze off, somebody shakes me and shouts, “We don’t pay you to sleep!” Or shrieks, “Not while you’re driving!”
Remember, the older you get, the more you will regret not taking all those naps as a child.
Don’t compound the regrets. Take a nap now. Because sometimes you just need to take a nap.
• By the way, anyone who tells you he slept like a baby obviously never had one.
And anyone who talks about being crooned to sleep by the gentle lowing of cattle obviously never was a 4-H kid who stayed overnight at the fair in a barn full of cows. Gentle lowing — ha! About the only thing that makes more noise than a half-ton bawling animal is an 8-pound bawling baby.
• Overheard: “Her name must be Google. She thinks she knows everything. Are we supposed to take notes?”
• Here’s one for the dueling maxims file: “Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life” vs. “If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly in the end, why did it fall off in the first place?”
• Attributed to Marilyn Monroe: “Sweetie, if you are going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.” Attributed to Abraham Lincoln: “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
• Life is like a test for which I forgot to study. I didn’t know there’d be so many pop quizzes. Make sure you’re prepared for the final exam.
QUIZ COLE at firstname.lastname@example.org, at the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or @BurtonWCole on Twitter.