The Star Beacon; Ashtabula, Ohio


September 21, 2012

Major Amos B. Hoople: Yet another big week for The Major

Harrumph! We’re nearly midway through the high school futileball seizin’ and few teams have exting ... er, distinguished themselves.

Last week, I extolled the virtues of the Chefferson Flakin’s and Mad-as-a-son Boo Shrieks, who are still on pace (though it’s a perilous pace) to qualify for the state prayoffs. I won’t dwell on either place. In fact, I don’t care to dwell IN either place.

No, this week the scrods who fall under the old Major’s careful scrutiny are none other than the Edge of Night Worriers and Nukeville Pyrites, the only two local teams not quartered in Mad-as-a-son or Riverslide to post victories last week.

Dom I’macoachinya and his Worriers drew even on the year at 2-2 by pasting Ptooietuning Valley’s Lackeys, 53-23. I’macoachinya wanted to call off the dogs late in the games, but couldn’t find their leashes. Matt Rosecoloredglasses and his Peary team slurped up some Orange Juice also to hit the .500 mark.

My weakly record was 6-1, the only pick going astray the choice of the County Seat, which found themselves in the soup against Campbell. The pesky visitors brought alphabet soup along, and the Flakin’s couldn’t decipher coach Ghimmy Hen Son’s plays, even though Hen Son tried to keep it simple, designating one play as C-A-T and another as D-O-G.

Everything else was predictable, hence my record, which raised me to 19-10 (.653) for the seizin’ .

Egad, some of the results were bleak. Old NEC foes Grapeburg, Connie Aught and Lakesize totaled 34 points among them. Their opponents amassed 116. Enough said about that. Yo, Christian must have lost his religion in a 31-0 devastation of Gland Valley. Need I go on? I think not.

Only two area nontests pit (and I use the word advisably) one county foe against another — Lakesize at Shekneeva and Connie Aught at Ptooietuning Valley. Some of the other scrods have decided to take the low road (Edge of Night at Ledgemantel) or the high road (Mad-as-a-son at Charredtown. For myself, I prefer the middle of the road.

LAKESIDE at GENEVA — Let’s see, Edge of Night beat Shekneeva in Week 1 and Lakesize topped the Worriers a couple of weeks ago. So this should be easy pickin’s. But nothing is ever easy when one is talking about Boola, Boola County scrods facing each other. Non-county? Simple, go with the team not located in this county. Ryan (“They’ve got to make stones bigger than this!”) David finds his Draggin’s fresh off a shutout by Riverslide. Tony the Tiger Hassle, Grapeburg’s intrepid coach, was just happy South’s Rabble cooled their jets and coasted to a 49-14 win. Happiness is a relative thing. I’m also relatively happy with this choice: LAKESIZE 21, GRAPENUTS 14.

Shell-shocked might describe these two scrods after Connie fell to the Ledgemantel Redfaces, 43-20, and Pie Valley was creamed by Edge of Night’s Worriers, 53-20. I’ll leave it to the reader to decide which was worse. But one scrod will emerge from this nontest with a victory; Ohio rules forbid 0-0 ties. Actually, a 45-45 tie might be a better guess, given the state of their defenses. Spurtin’s coach Rocky Doberman knows his team will fight like dogs to win that first game. It could be a dog-day evening for Neil Criss-cross Buns and the Lackeys. On the other hand, the long days Andoverians spend baling hay might give them a strength advantage. I’m guessing so. Rusty Western will be a smilin’. PTOOIETUNING VALLEY 30, CONNIE 21.

Ledgemantel’s Redskins host a former Any C scrod for the second straight week, but Joe La (Run for the) Roses’ Redskins know the similarity ends here. “It’s like comparing onions and rutabagas,” LaRoses said. Dom I’macoachinya’s Worriers aren’t embarrassed about scheduling a much smaller school. With no conference affiliation, Edge of Night will schedule anybody. I’m thinking about inviting a few friends and taking the Worriers on myself. I would get hammered less doing that by staying home and enduring Elmira’s wrath with her frying pan. I’macoachinya had the perfect offensive game plan against Connie: Show up. Why change it? EDGIES 40, LEDGIES 7.

I’m not at Liberty to say what I think about this matchup. I’m never at Liberty; that community has a warrant out for me. I suspect the Flakin’s were reading their press clippings before they went into the kettle against Campbell. Ghimmy Hen Son won’t let that happen again. He’s not going to let anybody read to the Flakin’s anymore. Liberty is no longer coached by former Connie Aught coach Jeff Whistler, who led his charges out of slavery using the Underground Railroad. Wait, I think I have him confused with someone else. Oh, well. COUNTY SEATEDS 20, LIBERTY 19.

Tim (Whatchatalkinbout) Willis and Mad-as-a-son’s Boo Shrieks have won three straight nontests after being croaked by some bullfrogs, including last week’s 35-14 deflation of U.S., causing wide-spread panic on Wall Street. Maybe not. In Charredtown, Mitch Whodat? is in the process of returning the unbeaten Hillboppers to the glory days of their past, most recently bombarding North’s Strangers, 63-7. My guess is that neither of these scrods have the horses to run with South’s Rabble, but second place in the Preemie Arthritic Conference isn’t all that shabby. CHARREDTOWN 37, BOO SHRIEKS 30.

PERRY at WEST GEAUGA — Each year, Twin Towers coach Matt Rosecolored Glasses, a Ledgemantel grad, gets to saddle up against the scrod that first hired him as a head coach. Saddle sores are never pleasant, but that’s not the greatest of the indignities that the Wooferines have laid on Peary. The Pyrites are fresh off a 38-33 peeling of Orange, but West GeeAwful had the pleasure of traveling to the city of Pains-filled and Wrecked Creation Park last week and emerging with a 40-0 win. The Red Razors are turning into everyone’s favorite homecoming opponent. WEST GEEAWFUL 42, PERRY KNIVES 21.

Except for a misadventure at the hands of the West Gee-Awful Wooferines, Davey Boy Boresya (and his beard) and his Beavers would be perfect this season. Perfect is boring, of course. North’s Strangers, on the other hand, have been perfect — perfectly horrid. Most recently, the Strangers tripped the horror meter in a 63-7 loss to Charredtown, but the numbers have been against them all seizin’. I suspect they’re losing players to the South Rabble. Now that’s crossing the line! The Beavers will cross the line, too, the goal line, plenty of times. SLIDERS 42, STRANGERS 7.

John Clavicle and his Gland Valley Moose-tongues didn’t get so much as a “Bless You,” from Yo, Christian, who seems to be making the NIC-NAC some kind of holy war. “Forget football, bring on the chili wars,” Clavicle says, putting his heart into it. Happy Gilmore was no happy camper after a dose of CCC cost the Gilmore girls a 42-7 lesson. GIL MOORE 27, VALLEY BOYS 7.

Major Hoople is a freelance writer, currently residing in old friends’ homes. “This is getting old,” his friends say. Reach him at

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