The Star Beacon; Ashtabula, Ohio

Sports

January 23, 2014

A Don McCormack column: Goin’ Hollywood... to help Browns find a head coach

(Continued)

Coach Eric Taylor, of “Friday Night Lights”

This is from the television series, not the movie, which plays out the story told in H.G. Bissinger’s terrific novel about the Permian Panthers.

The television series and the role of Taylor, played by Kyle Chandler, is wildly entertaining. While the movie, with Billy Bob Thornton doing a terrific job playing the head coach, is pretty much a straight-forward approach to a singular story, the series provided opportunities to tell many more tales and does a tremendous job of doing just that.

Coach Taylor and the town of Dillon come across as coach any guy would love to play for and a community of which players would gravitate.

The verdict — Coach Taylor is too good for the Browns.

Coach Sauers, of “King of the Hill”

Sauers, led by the plowhorse running of Hank Hill, led Arlen High School to the state finals decades previous.

Fast forward to the present when Hank, some of his teammates, including towel manager Dale Gribble, coax Coach Sauers out of retirement to take over their sons’ midget football team.

Old-school to max, he verbally lashes his players, calling them “girls,” dispensing the infamous salt tablets to fix any ailment and toughens them up by having them run head-first into a brick wall.

The verdict — Coach Sauers joins Coach Nickerson and Coach Winters as finalists, purely for the entertainment value. Not to mention the hope he could have our infamous Three Stooges strap on some Riddells and head for the nearest brick structure (with apologies to all brick structures, in advance).

Snoopy, of “You’re in the Super Bowl, Charlie Brown”

A dog as head coach of the Dawgs?

Charlie’s pooch is the head coach of the Birds, which is a team consisting of Woodstock and his bros.

In the title game against the monstrous Bisons, Snoopy, though being told what a dog of a coach he is by the ever-sardonic Lucy, guides the Birds to an upset straight our of Cinderella story fame.

The verdict — Snoopy is too good a guy to be partnered with Northeast Ohio’s Three Stooges. He deserves to live out his days in a home filled with love and warmth.

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Sports
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