The Star Beacon; Ashtabula, Ohio


January 23, 2014

A Don McCormack column: Goin’ Hollywood... to help Browns find a head coach

The Cleveland Browns have gone Hollywood, in a way, having been linked to the ahead-of-their-time Three Stooges.

And as they play the part of the Titanic serpentining their way in search of an iceberg to hit, we decided to turn to the world of film and television in an effort to help find someone... anyone... who just might be willing to accept millions of dollars and their offer to become the next head coach of the Browns.

With that in mind, let’s go to the tape, so to speak, with this caveat — I did not include the likes of Herman Boone, Gary Gaines or Knute Rockne because they were real-life coaches, which immediately makes them way too overqualified to be saddled with the task of being the head coach of a sad-sack organization run by, well, Three Stooges...

Hayden Fox, of “Coach”

Played to the mold by Craig T. Nelson, Fox looks the part, acts the part and comes across the part.

Still, something’s missing. Then again, his Pat Shurmur-like goofiness might just fit the bill.

The verdict — Too soft and unassuming. The Three Stooges would control Coach Fox like a puppet on a string.

Coach Nickerson, of “All the Right Moves”

Again, Nelson plays the roll, though this time as the antagonist to Stefan Djordjevic, played by Tom Cruise, and his not-ugly girlfriend, Lisa Litzke, played by Lea Thompson (if you were a male and grew up in the early 1980s, Thompson achieved goddess-like status).

Nickerson plays the first 95 percent of the terrific film coming across as a first-class jerk, which reminds anyone who covered the Browns in the mid-1990s to another, though real-life first-class jerk — Bill Belichick.

The verdict — Considering Nickerson’s play call at the conclusion of the Walnut Heights game, he is the unquestioned clubhouse leader.

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