The Star Beacon; Ashtabula, Ohio

October 25, 2012

Major Amos B. Hoople: Flight of the Falcon, Part II

For the Star Beacon

— A Falcon flew over the northeastern crest,

Said “Of these scrods I can be the best,

’Twas true last year and will be again,

Once the final scores have all come in.”

He stuffed LaBra, made Worriers sob,

On Beavers simply did the job.

But fell in the soup, a Campbell plot

Of Liberty didn’t see a lot.


Ghimmy Hen Sun said “We must take stock,

Or our bold words will just be a crock.”

Renewed by chewing on Fig Newtons’ taste

The Falcon a Lakeview Bullfrog laid waste.

Champion’s boast was just a threat,

Its spark the County Seateds wet

And Giraffe could only crane his neck

Its spinal column became a wreck.

Now Connie Aught’s the final test

Unless the bird can adorn its nest

With playoff banners red and black.

Can mere Spurtin’s hold it back?

Oh, there were other valiant crews.

Gland Valley’s Mustangs rarely snoozed.

Dom’s Worriers often teams abused.

Mad-as-a-sons Shrieks and Beavers, too

Proved Leggs County could win a few.

But elsewhere, wins were rarely seen.

The Twin Towers were painted green.

Grapeburg escaped the PAC-Man cellar,

Lakesize became the basement dweller,

And Connie found victory a futile task,

It didn’t seem too much to ask.

Egad, Billy Shakespeare has nothing on me, don’t you think?

CONNEAUT at JEFFERSON — Ghimmy Hen Sun  and the County Seat Flakin’s would normally welcome Connie Aught with open arms. But with the winless Spurtin’s bringing few prayoff computer points with them, the Flakin’s would be better served playing someone else. Make that anyone else. As for Connie, a win over Chefferson would make a seizin’ — and a seizure for Flakin’ fans. Sleep well, County Seat citizens. FLAKIN’S 33, CONNIE 0.

One of these two scrods will  win a NIC-NAC championship. Ledgemantel’s Redfaces are the defending champions. John Clavicle and the Gland Valley Moose-tongues would rate a title higher than winning the Chili Cookoff, if only slightly. Joe LaRooster and the Redfaces wouldn’t mind crowing about his year, either. But... GLAND VALLEY 23, LEDGEMANTEL 22.

I guess if you’re going to play a club team, as Dom I’macoachinya and the Edge of Night Worriers did this year, the next step is an airport. I’ve had some nasty experiences in airports and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Worriers aren’t feeling the same way late Friday night. JFK 28, EDGE OF NIGHT 13.

The entire seizin’ has been a humbling experience for Ryan (We met Goliath, and we are his) David and the Lakesize Draggin’s. Mitch Whodat? and the Charredtown are another in a string of PAC-Man bullies (see South, Mad-as-a-son and Riverslide) destined to enslave Lakesize for the foreseeable future. BOPPERS 40, DRAGGIN’S 12.

Just when Neil Criss-cross Buns and the Pie Valley Lackeys need a lift, along come the Looters East, who normally might only provide a lift of the wallet. Plus, a harvest moon should be on the way, a good omen for those wishing to bring in the crops. Or are they already in? Perhaps four members of the PeeVee bored of education know. They know it all, after all (barf). LACKEYS 26, LACKING 7.

MADISON at RIVERSIDE — Tim (Whatchatalkinbout) Willis and the Mad-as-a-son Boo Shrieks figure to be wearing masks this weekend. It is Halloween, after all. They just don’t want to be wearing those paper bag masks of shame that would seem appropriate if Dave Boresya (and his beard) and the Riverslide Beavers beat them. I think they’re safe. BOO SHRIEKS 28, BEAVERS 21.

Matt Rosecoloredglasses and the Peary Pyrites have had plenty of reasons to be chagrinned at this season already, though the future is very, very bright. Chargin’ Falls will give them yet another. CHAGRIN FALLS 33, TWIN TOWERS 14.

Tony the Tiger Hassle and the Shekneeva Equals can enjoy the fall foliage on Route 90 on the way to Gates Mills Saturday. U.S. is not the dominating force it was in the past, and that has nothing to do with China. I’m picking this as my Upset of the Week. Didn’t know I had such a thing, did you? Well, there’s always a first time. GRAPELAND 29, U.S. 28.

Major Hooole has given up on finding a home this fall. In the great tradition of the homeless, brother, can you spare him a dime? Reach him at

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