The Star Beacon; Ashtabula, Ohio


September 14, 2012

Major Amos B. Hoople: The Major building on perfection

Zounds, this prognostication business isn’t as difficult as I made it the past two weeks.

After a brief consultation with the dart board last week, Yours Truly went out and completed a perfect 7-0 slate of predictions. That brings my overall mark to a less-than-sterling-but-more-acceptable 13-9 (.591). And this week should be easy pickings.

The surprise of the area so far has been the work of Ghim Hen Sun’s Chefferson Flakin’s, who won their third straight nontest by blanking the Lisbian Beavers, 7-0. At one time, the Lisbians gave scrods like Charredtown (in its heyday) and Stupidville fits, so we could have a prayoff team in our midst.

In fact, we could have two, if early results mean anything. Fresh off its toenail-biting 28-27 victory over Peary, Mad-as-a-son would qualify if those festivities were held today. Unfortunately, they’re not and powerhouses like Will-o’-the-Wisp South’s Rabble, Univeral Socket and Charredtown await Tim Willis’ Boo Shrieks in the Preemie Arthritic Conference.

Lakesize’s Draggin’s managed to top Edge of Night in the closest thing Boola, Boola has to a Silly Series nontest. Even after their merger the former Harbore and Boola, Boola, teams had a tough battle against Edge of Night’s Worriers. A couple of other nontests pitted former Any C combatants against each other. Shekneeva had an easy time with Connie Aught (69-0. Sheesh!) and Riverslide showed up against Harve’s Red Razors, which is about all it took (as per usual) to win the battle of Painsfilled.

Egad, now we enter Week 4 of the seizin’ and it’s easy pickin’s again. No, not for me, doofus, for some of these invasive scrods.

PYMATUNING VALLEY at EDGEWOOD — A new day has dawned for Neil Criss-cross Buns and the Ptooietuning Valley Lackeys. Unfortunately, it’s a red dawn. “Red sky at morning, sailors take warning” seems appropriate, if fishermen can be termed sailors. The Lackeys have been angling for an easy opponent for weeks, but the Edge of Night’s Worriers don’t fit that description any more. They don’t fit it any less, either, but Dom I’macoachinya is an inspiration in his pregame speeches. He inspires his troops to yawn. Pie Valley got a pie in the face from Yo, Christian last week, while the Edgies gave Lakesize a spirited effort with a dispiriting result. EDGIES 28, PIE WEDGIES 12.

I guess it’s time Campbell Soup, which was slurped up by Brook and Field last week,  was memorialized. It’s been around for years and has made up many of my meals, which is a commentary on Elmira’s cooking. Ouch! The old hag was looking over my shouder again. Harrumph! I think Memorial is in the soup against Ghimmy Hen Sun and his County Seateds. The Flakin’s have all the ingredients for a victory, here, not to mention the vegetables Hen Sun grows in  his truck garden. I know it’s a truck garden because there’s always a rusted truck sitting there, its wheels up on blocks. With dignitaries such as principal Jaycee Mountainarrow and The Legend on hand, the Flakin’s would never disappoint. CHEFFERSON 12, CHICKEN NOODLE 7.

“We are the Superior of Lakes,” Draggin’s coach Ryan (Hey, I found a bigger rock last week) David says. Riverslide coach Dan Boresya (and his beard) counters with “We are deeper than the Amazon.” That confuses David, who thought the Amazon was an ocean. I know, I know, this has nothing to do with the nontest. I evaluate it this way: Lakesize had trouble getting by Edge of Night. Riverslide cruised past Harvey’s Red Racers. In the Preemie Conference, these scrods are both also-rans. But the Beavers run a lot hotter than the Draggin’s, bad breath or not. RIVER SIZE 30, LAKE SIZE 6.

Not only do these two scrods deserve each other, they WANT each other. Ledgemantel’s Redfaces, a prayoff team last year, are being humbled week after week. Rocky Doberman and the Connie Aught Spurtin’s are trying to gather themselves after Grapeland disassembled them last week. They looked sort of like Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown, “a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone.” But the Aughts will be playing a different tune for Ledgemantel — “Taps.” The Redfaces must dance with the girl they brought, too. Of course, it’s a square dance. LEDGEMANTEL 3, CONNIE 0.

I have never figured out why an entire community would name itself after a fruit. But there you have it. Anyway, Orange got pureed like an Orange Julius by Cursedland last week, so the Pulps are now pretty fluid. Matt Rosecoloredglasses and the Nuketown Pyrites were held off by their neighbors, the Mad-as-a-son Boo Shrieks when Rosecolored Glasses went for a 2-point conversion. Mattie likes to roll the dice and this time he crapped out. Which is why the Twin Towers is playing a team that looked like crap last week. PEARY 30, ORANGE 14.

Yo, Christian is doing the rounds of the valley this month. Last week was a pleasing 30-0 romp over Ptooietuning Valley and this week’s entree, Gland Valley, could be just as enjoyable. Gland Valley disinterred Michael Jackson and Milton Berle last week, then reburied the Kings of Pop and TV, 30-15. Moose-tongue coach John Clavicle has a heavy load on his shoulders — bales of hay. YO CHRIS 24, GLAND VALLEY 9.

The U.S. has an identity problem. It doesn’t know if it is a university or school. I would vote for school except that I’ve seen the Preppies play. Tim (Whatchtalkinbout) Willis knows what Mad-as-a-son is. It’s written on the building he works in. This one should be a barnburner, especially since the Preppies look on any people living to their east as, like, farmers. Mitt Romney has said he can solve all the U.S.’s problems, so I think he should be working on lowering their noses. As mentioned, the Boo Shrieks nipped Peary last week. Meanwhile, the U.S. was getting killed by Nostradamus-Confucius-Linus (NDCL), 56-8. BOO SHRIEKS 35, UPLIFTED NOSES 14.

Tony the Tiger Hassle and the Equals figure to equalize things this week, and South’s Rabble has just the team to do it. Shekneeva blasted callow Connie Aught 69-0 last week. This one could be just as ugly — in reverse. As it so happens, Grapeburg will be away from Spire and on the road for the first time all seizin’. That’s probably good news for Grapeville fans, who won’t have to witness the slaughter. Of course, they can if they want to. But how many will want to? At least they will be allowed to bring their own snacks, something that is strictly forbidden where they watch their home games. SOUTH 40, GRAPENUTS 0.

Major Hoople is a freelance writer currently living in his car, a 1958 Edsel. He is willing to be adopted by just about anyone. Reach him at

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