Gadzooks, with Hurricanes Gustav and Hanna bearing down on us, I’m battening down the hatches on my property near Andover and getting in the long line of traffic on Route 6, so I have to write this early in the week since I’m not sure where I’m headed yet.

I’d head to Grapeburg, but it’s still a few weeks until the Grape JamBORE and the wine isn’t too tasty yet. Or so I’m told.

I know Ptooietuning Lake is quite a ways from New Orleans, but the waves on our own Eighth Wonder of the World can get pretty high, and the entire area around Cherry Valley could easily be swamped. Word is, that’s where The Legend and The Skipper reside.

I’ve had some experience with hurricanes and know the devastation they can cause. I remember back when Hurricane Elmira blasted its way through. Bangor, Chattanooga, Bug Tussle, Cut and Shoot, Snapfinger and Looneyville, and she left a trail of ruin and ravage in her wake. That was before she met me and wreaked havoc with her frying pan. Oh, she’s still full of wind, but age has mellowed her a bit. Now she’s known as Mellow Yellow, a reference to her temperament and complexion.

Hurricanes of another variety rampaged through our area last weekend, putting several local futileball scrods in the eye of the storm. Left in shambles were the County Seateds of Chefferson, who got blown away, 48-0, by Nuketown (a Perfect Storm if I’ve ever seen one), Riverslide’s Beavers, who barely got their paws wet in a 48-0 humbling by West Gee-Awful’s Wooferines; All-Saints, which allowed Connie to try on all her new clothes in a 39-6 clawing; Edge of Night, which was jilted by the Burnedtown Bachelors, 37-6, Grapeville, which didn’t have the juice at Mad-as-a-son in a 35-7 debacle; and Gland Valley, which forgot to take its vitamins before making the trek to Mineral Ridge and fell, 33-6.

On the plus side was Connie Aught, who earned an A-plus in scheduling for picking on SJPGR and Lakeside, which held its annual party and tar and feathering of the East Technicians. So bad was the beating the Techies were absorbing that the game was shortened in the half and the clock ran all of the time. That allowed Van McBreath and his Draggin’s to get home in time to watch the reruns on TV or to do any of the other boring things that characterize Ashtaboola.

The decision to abbreviate a disaster should be a lesson for other scrods being cannibalized by opponents. Yes, some teams in these parts like bringing in the hay, but serving as cannon fodder is quite another matter.

Yikes, time is running out. I see storm clouds in the sky, and I’m nowhere near Nuketown. Here are this week’s peerless predictions:

n LAKESIDE at GARFIELD HEIGHTS — The Draggins’ are determined to get through Garfield’s litter box without being covered with the droppings that are hidden therein. Lakesize unleashed its fury on the Technicians, 39-0, and can only hope it has something left in the tank. With gas prices as they are, we all can only hope that. Garfie had his claws out against Parma last week, even embarrassing the West-Enders by laughing at their white socks and black shoes. Hey, that was a no-no in my heyday, too. Nowadays, I rarely venture out in anything but bedroom slippers. This is a tough nontest to predict. Were the Draggins’ who got spooked by Howlin’ at the Moon the same fire-breathers who dispatched East’s Technicians, who mysteriously continue to sign up for the beatings they get at Lakesize’s hands? Will they play the role of Odie to Heights’ Garfield? I don’t have the answer, but here’s my best guess: LAKESIZE 14, GARFERS 7.

n EDGEWOOD at ORANGE — Edge of Night’s Worriers always take a lot of Vitamin C, trying to avoid those colds that sap their strength. Their margin for error is very slim in that regard, so it only follows. Harrumph! Berks Brothers Bachelors laid a Gee-Awful licking on the Worriers last week, but Orange didn’t have a stroll in the park against Middle of the Park last week, either, falling 39-6, a margin worse than Edge of Night’s by a safety (or two extra points, if you want to get technical about it). Joe Carny has yet to see any fruits of his labors for the Woodies yet, but has his appetite set on peeling an Orange. More than likely, the Worriers will get juiced. ORANGE JULIUS 25, EDGE OF DARKNESS 12.

n GRAND VALLEY at PYMATUNING VALLEY — Both of these scrods would save on gasoline by the fortuitous scheduling of teams so near to each other except that neither uses gasoline. Instead, they rely on fuel extracted from the manure that is so plentiful in both of their areas. Har, har. Anyway, it’s a kick watching the players and coaches arriving in their pickups, seeing whether they’ve jacked their respective wheels up enough to tower over the other. At least Thom Hen Sun and Gland Valley’s Moose-tongues have a victory to their credit this year, even though Hen Sun had to sneak up on his nephew to do it. Mineral Ridge left a bitter taste in Oilwell’s mouth, but then the denizens of that community are used to bitter tastes. Jason Rootless and his Lackeys couldn’t sugarcoat the results of their ventures against the maple-syrup communities of Burnedtown and Middle of the Field. Fact is, Rootless found Middle of the Field a little cheesy. GLAND PIANOS 26, PIE IN THE SKY VALLEY 20.

n CONNEAUT at CHAMPION — Connie Aught fans might be on Cloud Nine after Ken Parisienne and the Spurtin’s biked through SS. John, Paul, George and Ringo on his Tour de France of 2008. Now reality sets in, and the reality is that Champion is a much greater threat. The Flushes even defeated Edge of Night’s Worriers in their first trip to the head (of the class, of course). Still, Champion couldn’t find any spark against the Garroting Garfields last week and stumbled, 37-6. If you’re starting to see a pattern in some of these scores, the feeling is mutual. Every week seems to pit teams of disparity aganst each other. Some call that smart scheduling. Some call it payback. CONNIE 24, CHUMPS 22. My upset special.

n LAKEVIEW at GENEVA — Tony the Tiger Hassle compares Lakeview’s Bullfrogs to Mad-as-a-son’s Boo Shrieks, an opinion that doesn’t bode well for the Grapeburgers, who were overpowered last week at Mad-as-a-son. Lakeviewers liked what they saw against Harve’s Red Radishes and ate a hearty meal of Campbell Soup last week. After burying the Wicked Stiffs in Week 1, Grapeton’s Equals weren’t up to the task in Mad-as-a-son. Construction continues on the sports complex in Harpersfield and the Equals are also a work in progress. It’s going to take more than an erector set to get the job done, though. Maybe Hassle can hire some of those construction workers plying their trade south of the city. Croak, croak. BULLFROGS 36, SHEKNEEVA 14.

n SS. JOHN AND PAUL at FAIRPORT — After scouring results in the newspaper, I find no evidence Any Fair Port in a Storm played last week. That makes the Skip-its on a par with the Fab Four (John, Paul, George and Ringo) as far as I can tell. Oh, All-Saints took the bus to Connie. But they must have found some other diversion in that fair city. Now, that has me scratching my head. What else is there to do in Connie Aught? I guess you could go to the movie theater and watch films that are already out on DVD — but not for much longer as I hear the place will be closing soon. The Harolds and Skip-its used to be friendly rivals in the Easy C until the Portly Ones thought they saw grener pastures in the Seavy Sea. They’ve had plenty of chances to see the individual blades in those pastures, up close and personal, since. To have a full-squad practice with either of these teams, coaches have to suit up. Coach Jim Timid Deer is probably the biggest offensive lineman on the SJPGR team. JOHNNIES 7, SKIP-ITS 6.

n BROOKFIELD at JEFFERSON — Chefferson coach Ghim Hen Sun, an avid outdoorsman, is a dedicated reader of Brook and Field Magazine. Ghim can read the Fishermen’s defenses, too, but the Flakin’s offense has yet to gel. In desperation, Hen Sun told his team, “You guys have to start reading the writing on the wall.” Only one of the Flakin’s spoke up: “All I saw there were phone numbers,” he said. Other than the fact that Brook and Field’s Trouts used to make a habit out of handing Connie Aught her lunch, I have no knowledge of so much as the existence of this team. COUNTY SEAT 22, FISH FOOD 20.