Egad, I know it may be a little late in the game, but yours truly, the peerless pigskin prognosticator, is announcing his candidacy for president of the U.S. and A. Remember, you heard it here first.

Like any bonafide candidate, I really haven’t researched the matter, but if my memory isn’t faulty, I correctly predicted all of the winners in Boola, Boola County futileball nontests last week.

What? I missed Gland Valley’s upset of Chefferson? Picky, picky, picky. I guess my accuracy with projectiles on my dart board was a bit lacking. In the Gland scheme of things, that was just a minuscule dot of acne on the nose.

Anyway, the convention of my party, the Know-Nothings (yes, I’ve resurrected this blast from the past), will begin in Andover next week. The hubbub generated by the affair will probably be lost in all of the hurly-burly that surrounds that community on a daily basis.

As my running mate, I’ve chosen Grapeland coach Tony the Tiger Hassle. This is the first he’s hearing about it, I’m sure, since discretion is my middle name. After all, I just decided on him after his Equals’ victory over the Wicked Stiffs, just one of two county winners last week. The other, Oilwell’s Moose-tongues, had the benefit of playing another Boola, Boola County Scrod, Chefferson Still, I’m offering my Secretary of Defense post to Gland Valley mentor and Oriental philosopher Thom Hen Sun. Hen Sun’s credentials as a secretary including serving as a librarian, a distinctly secretarial position if I’ve ever seen one and he’s been one of the best defensive coaches in the area since, oh, about 1925.

The rest of the county, as well as three of the four Leggs County scrods in this newspaper’s coverage area, made a typical splash, meaning hardly a ripple, in their debuts. Overall Boola. Boola County went 2-5, Leggs County 1-3 last week, so the East has a leg up on the West, a situation that seems sure to change very shortly.

The scariest prospect of my candidacy, of course, is that winning would make Elmira first lady. Part of her platform, other than her heels, includes planting onions in the traditional White House garden. She claims this will keep the “critters” away. I’m assuming that she’s talking about both Democrats and Republicans. She keeps referring to the “Declaration of Independents” in her ravings.

With the demands of my campaign, corners have to be cut. I was thinking of slicing Ringo out of the Fab Four, just as the Beatles did in effect during their heyday, but Joe Carny urged me not to, indicating it is always wise to have someone to blame when things go wrong.

Without further adieu, here are this week’s predictions. See, I can be terse when given a chance.

n EAST TECH at LAKESIDE — Lakesize’s Draggin’s love this matchup, since it gives them an extra home nontest, and besides, it’s a REAL nontest. The Technicians always come up with some neat wrinkles on offense. On defense, they rest. Defense is the forte of this seizin’s Draggin’s team, or so Van McBreath would have us believe, after surrendering only 31 points to Howlin’ in the Wind. McBreath promised a more explosive offense this year, but who knew that meant the offense would blow up in our faces? Or it would have had you been at the Lakesize palace last Thursday. Fortunately, few of you were. DRAGGIN’ THE LINE 28, EAST OF EATIN’ 27.

n BERKSHIRE AT EDGEWOOD — After years of bumping heads against some of the best that Gee-Awful County has to offer, Berks Brothers has rethought their strategy and are specializing in scheduling Bool, Boola County scrods. First came Ptooietuning Valley, whom the Bachelors humbled, 40-7. Now Joe Carny and his Edge of Night Worriers step to the plate. After finishing off their pregame feast, they figure on playing football — sort of. Last week, down 14-7 at the half to Edge of Night, the Champion Flushes had an inspiration. Run the football against the Worriers. Well, duh! Teams always, always, always run the football against Edge of Night. Why get fancy, anyway? BERKIN’ AWAY 26, RAZOR’S EDGE 7.

n SS. JOHN AND PAUL AT CONNEAUT — SS. John, Paul, George and Ringo play on Friday night for the second straight week, an occurrence about as rare as Halley’s Comet. When home, Connie always plays on Friday. That’s a public announcement for the benefit of Connie fans, who often get confused and show up on Saturday night. Or maybe they’re not confused at all. Guess I’ll have to ask Nick I’mawatchinya and Mike Jostlin’ of the radio station in town. You know, the one you can get hear clearly about the same time you get within a block of the stadium. I’d give you their call letters and place on the dial, but that seems to be fluid, perhaps on the theory that it’s difficult to hit a moving target. I didn’t want to mention it, but both of these scrods came up short last week — a lot short. Harolds’ coach Jim Timid Deer saw Overland’s Phoenix rise from the ashes, something it evidently has to do quite frequently, while Ken Parisienne’s Spurtin’s got frozen out at the South Pole. At least I think Connie found its way down the tortuous roads to Southington. From the score, it was difficult to tell. CONNIE 7, JOHNNY AND PAULY 6.

n GENEVA at MADISON — Tony the Tiger Hassle’s Equals may have gotten one monkey off their back by beating a Leggs County non-conference scrod in the form of the Wicked Stiffs. Mad-as-a-son has been a gorilla for them in recent years, so they’ll need even more of an effort this week. Yes, Grapeburg ran, it passed, it even defended in its opener. Meanwhile, Tim (Whatchatalkinbout) Willis’ Boo Shrieks stormed the beaches at Normandy but couldn’t make it past the defenses — at least not enough to come out with a victory. This neighborhood rivalry has gone Mad-as-a-son’s way in recent years. Shekneeva would like to make a statement to the PAC-Men that it’ll be competitive if and when it joins that grouping. Here’s my statement: It’s not going to happen — yet. MAD ABOUT TIM 30, GRAPE JUICED 14.

n JEFFERSON at PERRY — This nontest may have made sense to the County Seat at one time, when the Flakin’s were the toast of the Any C (well, except for Lakesize, anyway). Chefferson had a window of opportunity open when the Draggin’s departed the Any C, but Harve sneaked in front of them. The loss to Gland Valley doesn’t bode well for Ghim Hen Sun and the Flakin’s, either, especially when Peary’s Pyrites checked out Riverslide’s Beavers with so much success. There may be a cloud hanging over Matt Rosewater and the Twin Towers, but it’s not related to a defeat at the hands of Chefferson; it’s the natural state of things in Nukeville. GRAY SKIES 43, JEFF BRIDGES 6.

n GRAND VALLEY at MINERAL RIDGE — Thom Hen Sun’s Moose-tongues must have taken their vitamins to outscrap their larger neighbor, Jeff, last week, not to mention that Thom was spotting his nephew, Ghim, a couple of decades in the youth category. Mineral Ridge has been a bitter pill for Gland Valley to swallow in the past several years, especially when the Oilwellians have to pack up their rusty pickups and drive them down to Mineral Ridge. Down? What am I talking about? Valleys are low; ridges are high, which is about how this competition has been going. CASTOR OIL 28, OILWELL 6.