Compassionate Friends offer hope for bereaved

Star Beacon

October 18, 2006 07:23 am

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"As we reach out to each other in love and share the pain as well as the joy E . We need not walk alone; we are The Compassionate Friends."

- - The Compassionate Friends Credo

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By ELLEN KOLMAN

Staff Writer
ekolman@starbeacon.com

ASHTABULA TOWNSHIP - - Sorrow mingled with hope as parents, grandparents and siblings meet for the Compassionate Friends monthly support-group meeting.
"Our love for our children unites us," said Herb Saari, founder of the northeast Ohio chapter, as he read the TCF Credo.
The mission of TCF is to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age and to provide information to help others be supportive.
"We are starting our 23rd year, and to commemorate, we are going to light a candle," said Kathy Coy-Hawley, who co-leads the group with Saari.
The candle, with four wicks, was lit for grandparents (the forgotten mourners), for all of the bereaved parents, for siblings (the other forgotten mourners), and for our blood children who died too soon, Coy-Hawley said.
Coy-Hawley, who lost her son to suicide, began the introductions around the crowded room.
"Coming to TCF was like walking onto a lifeboat. You feel a stigma; especially children who died from suicide, the stigma is terrible. The most wonderful thing is to be able to talk about your child and how you feel," she said.
Coy-Hawley's daughter, Wendy Scott, 31, of Jefferson, is the TCF surviving siblings support-group leader.
"I came to group and could talk about my big brother and tell all my feelings because I could not burden my Mom. I knew she was hurting so much already," Scott said. "The sibling group is a safe confidential place where the siblings can express their feelings."
TCF began in Coventry, England, in 1969 and was incorporated in the United States as a nonprofit organization in 1978. There are now chapters in every state, which now number almost 600, and hundreds of chapters in Canada, Great Britain and many countries across the globe, according to a TCF fact sheet.
Herb and the late Marge Saari began the northeast Ohio chapter of TCF in October 1983 after experiencing the loss of two daughters and a grandson in only 11 months.
"I don't remember the funerals; I remember the friends," Herb Saari said. "We started with seven families, and in 23 years we have grown to more than 300 families."
Through TCF, the Saaris finally found a place they could cry and share their true feelings, without feeling they were being judged.
"Six months of Compassionate Friends did more for my wife and I than any therapy," he said. "I would never leave this group because they helped us so much."
Other people around the room agreed with Saari.
One grieving mother said, "This group saved my life." Another said, "TCF has been a lifeline for me and my family."
There were some who could not talk because the loss is so new and others who brought up specific issues related to the losses they are dealing with.
"Christmas is the hardest for us to get through," said one grieving mother.
Kathy Frambac, of Conneaut, who has been attending meetings since last October, feels "the first year you are in shock, and the second year reality sets in," she said.
Another mother agreed.
"Sometimes the second year is worse than the first, and people expect you to be better; you expect you to be better," she said.
Cathy Herpy of Ashtabula has been attending TCF meetings since 1994. Her son, Wayne, died in 1993 at 28, of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
"TCF has really helped me - - after I got through being angry at God and just plain angry," Herpy said. "I was thankful that (Wayne) had accomplished so much in his young life, including marrying and having two wonderful sons that we are so proud of."
Parents grieving miscarriages are also welcome at TCF to share their grief.
Ann Turner of Ashtabula Township is grateful to be able to express the pain of losing her child because of a miscarriage.
"You grieve the same because you lost your child," she said.
"Our stories are all different. We all understand each other's pain," Coy-Hawley said. "It is so wonderful to hear someone else say, 'I felt that way.'"
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The Compassionate Friends meet at 7 p.m. the fourth Thursday of every month in the C.D. Ray Community Room at the Ashtabula Township Highway Department. For more information, call Kathy Coy-Hawley (440 992-0706) or Herb Saari (440 992-1180).
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