Star Beacon
April 14, 2008 08:59 pm
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AFTER I FELL INTO THE DOLPHIN TANK, GOT A TOO-CLOSE-FOR-COMFORT MASSAGE AT THE CRUISE SHIP’S SPA AND DISCOVERED A FEMALE SCUBA DIVER TOOK OFF HER BATHING SUIT TOP AS SHE JUMPED IN THE WATER WITH HUBBY, airport security detained my son-in-law.
It came as a complete surprise because I worried security would grab Hubby, who dressed himself in camouflage “cruise wear” for the trip.
You know, of course, if you are spotted wearing camouflage in an airport, the United States may revoke your passport. In fact, if you are seen wearing any style of clothing that does not conform to standards established by the U.S. Attorney General, as specified in Section 666, Paragraph 13 of the Anti-Terrorism Law, you may be denied entry into the United States.
I told Hubby not to take this personally. These measures have been taken to protect him from people who look like him.
As you’ve probably heard, just before we embarked on our vacation, President Bush raised the national threat level to orange, which meant there was a high risk of native Floridians throwing oranges at northern tourists at the Miami airport.
As a result of this threat, airport security spent two hours poking and prodding each of us and scanning our baggage. Those of you who know my family, know we have a lot of baggage. We carried a few suitcases, too.
Everything was fine until a machine started beeping and squealing while scanning Son-in-law. That’s when an officer discovered a small pocketknife on Son-in-law’s key chain.
Son-in-law forgot only bad people carry pocketknives. He was frisked. He was hassled. He started to complain about the violation of his rights and the Gulag.
Yes, the Gulag.
That’s when Daughter grabbed Delightful Granddaughter and took off toward Starbuck’s.
“I’m not going to watch him get hauled off to jail,” she said.
I thought it might be fun to watch, but Hubby made me follow Daughter.
Once they patted down Son-in-law and confiscated the pocketknife, they let him go — flanked by two armed flight marshals. He also was instructed to keep his hands raised at all times.
I explained to him the U.S. Government is not saying he’s a terrorist. They’re just saying he resembles one.
Once on the plane, Son-in-law continued grumbling about his civil rights, but I was happy. After all, we were blessed with a wonderful vacation, plus several funny stories to tell when we got home.
Unknown to airport security, staff writer Shelley Terry was smuggling into the country the highly infectious dolphin-tank virus, which she released upon family and co-workers once she returned to Ohio.
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A SHELLEY TERRY column