Mon, Nov 23 2009
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Major Amos B. Hoople: The Major is back for another season MAJOR AMOS B. HOOPLEStar Beacon
n WICKLIFFE at GENEVA — Wow, this makes five futileball games in Boola, Boola County this weekend! Be still, my heart. Of course, taking them all in would be an impossible task, but it’s not one I’d undertake regardless. I’ve seen these scrods play in the past. I haven’t checked out the field conditions at Grapeburg yet, but I fear the worst. Why put money in a field that is designated for the scrap pile as early as 2009? Yes, the Equals could be playing in Harpersfield next year, just a short jaunt from the wineries on Route 534. So at least the trip could be worth it of one makes a side trip or two, a prospect that admittedly appeals to me. The Wicked Lifters replaced Will-it-ever-be on the Equals’ schedule recently, but now that Grapeville seems destined to join the PAC-Man next year, it’ll be just one more Leggs County tribe destined to count coup on the Boola, Boola Countians. We all know how Grapeton has done against Leggs County recently. Mad-as-a-son, Nukeville, Riverslide, South Pole ... it just doesn’t matter. Tony the Tiger Hassle keeps trying to turn things around but it’s tough to do with 160-pound linemen. I smell an upset brewing, however. Or maybe Elmira just burned supper again. SHEKNEEVA 21, WICKED STEPSISTERS 20. n PERRY at RIVERSIDE — Numberwise, the Pyrites shouldn’t be on the same field, but they looked up the Beavers a few years ago and liked what they saw. The schools are just a few miles apart, something that causes Slide citizens some consternation when they see those clouds of smoke wafting over the nuclear power plant. Fortunately for Pains-filled Township denizens (not so fortunately for those living in Mad-as-a-son), the prevailing winds usually blow from west to east. The Pyrites don’t like straying too far from Aluminum Field since they’re never sure their property will still be there when they return. Peary coach Matt Rosewater returns to try to lead Twin Towers to another Seavy Sea division title, while the Slide has a new mentor in Ryan Woof, Woof, who tries to take over where Matt (I don’t want to be like Mike) Jordan led the Beavers to a share of the PAC-MAN crown in 2007. PERRY KNIVES 35, RIVERSLIDE 24. n CONNEAUT at SOUTHINGTON — Connie appears to be headed south to play next year, so a trip to Southington is good preparation. Kenny Parisienne and the Spurtin’s are wise to schedule this nontest early in the seizin’, since potential early snows in October could make the roads there nearly impassable. Egad, they’re nearly impassable as it is. Note to Connie bus drivers: Do NOT go down Route 534 under any circumstances, particularly if you are without a cell phone to dial 911 if you go off the road, a common occurrence on this stretch of “road.” Southington is a much smaller school than Connie, which should make them about even... maybe. CONNIE AUGHT 13, SOUTH POLE 12. n PYMATUNING VALLEY at BERKSHIRE — Jason Rootless seems to have entrenched himself in Pie Valley hearts. Andoverians have always been good at history since they tend to live in the past. At least this is an easy trip for the Lackeys, assuming they can successfully dodge the buggies that clog the roads around Burnedtown. Berks Brothers went through some hard times in the Seavy Sea but eventually found a niche. Unfortunately for the Bachelors, Gland Valley’s Moose-tongues are jilting them in order to collect some Nic-NACS next year. There goes the niche. PEEVY 24, BACHELORS 23. n MADISON at NORMANDY (played last night) — Mad-as-a-son coach Tim (Whatchatalkinbout) Willis had a pep talk planned to inspire the Blue Shrieks to storm the beaches at Normandy — until he discovered there WERE no beaches at Normandy. As I recall, there’s not much else there, either. The Boo Shrieks, defending co-champions of PAC-Man, only hope the charter buses aren’t too busy. Hitching a ride isn’t all that easy when you’re carrying all that equipment around. MAD-AS-A-SON 26, NORMAN ROCKWELL 25. n HARVEY at LAKEVIEW — Devlin Gulliver and his Lilliputians leave the friendly confines of Wrecked Creation Park to get a view of the lake. Har, har, there’s no lake in sight at the home of the Bullfrogs. Harve will bolt the Any C soon to join the Seavy Sea. For a while the remaining scrods in the beleaguered Any C were willing to go with invisible rabbits they’d call Harvey and keep the grouping intact, figuring it for a sure win. But the OHSAA (Ohio High School Anal Administrators) thought that a travesty. Heck, the Any C has been a travesty for years. RED RADISHES 33, RABID DOGS 22. Major Hoople is a freelance writer from parts unknown. Reach him at themajor@starbeacon.com. 
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