MAJOR AMOS B. HOOPLE
Star Beacon
August 22, 2008 02:48 am
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Harrumph! If the Boola, Boola County Fair has come and gone, can the beginning of the area high school futileball seizin’ be far behind?
Yes, I know some publications refer to this arena as “prep” futileball, but I don’t see that term as appropriate. If it means “prepared,” forget it. If it’s an abbreviation for “preppy,” how do you explain the bib overalls and clodhoppers that make up most of the wardrobe of players from places like Gland Valley and Ptooietuning Valley?
Anyway, I’ve had my fill of demo derbies and harness races. When I was in my salad days, the only cars I could afford resembled the wrecks that derby-goers love. Other teens often used my vehicles in a similar manner to that seen at the county fair. I grew tired of horses’ faces, too. Several of the girls I used to date were just a saddle short of equine affiliation.
So I’m ready for some other light entertainment. Scrods around here provide plenty of humor.
First up for the honor of Last Comics Standing are the Lakesize Draggin’s, who once again open the year with Howlin’ in the Wind. Since a thrilling overtime victory in the initial nontest against the Coyotes, Lakesize has been pretty much reduced to a puddle of tears in this Thursday battle. Playing on Thursday eliminates many of the Draggin’ supporters, who are busy studying in preparation for the upcoming school year. Yeah, I can just picture that.
This year, Mad-as-a-son has joined its PAC-Man counterpart in beginning the seizin’ on a Thursday. Those rent-a-buses are easier to procure when they’re not getting ready to haul scads of senior citizens to assorted malls for their big Friday night shopping treks. “Shop ’til you drop” has taken on a new meaning for the septuagenarians and octogenarians, who often drop as they get off the bus.
But enough blither-blather. On to the picks, the first of the seizin’ and a chance to get off on the right foot. Most area teams won’t, but that’s the price of doing business in this area. Pick ’em to win, and I’m a fool — pick ’em to lose, and I get unpleasant surprises in the mail.
n JEFFERSON at GRAND VALLEY — Despite the early beginnings of the two scrods mentioned above, this nontest takes center stage since it’s the only game that pits two Boola, Boola County teams against one another. “Pits” is the correct word, too. Have you seen the two styes both of these scrods attept to pass off as actual fields? In Oilwell, they gots a beautiful million-dollar facility and a five-cent field. In Chefferson, they have a three-cent facility and a five-cent field. Gland Valley coach-Oriental philosopher Thom Hen Sun and his County Seated counterpart, nephew and protege in zen, Ghim, couldn’t attend the Olympic Games because of practice, but they’ve gotten pretty red-eyed watching on TV. Only one will have red eyes after this nontest. Chefferson players spend most of their free time watching the clothes spin around at the laundromat or playing chess in the gazebo, while the Moose-tongues are out in the fields, bringing in the crops. But the Flakin’s are pretty slippery, a result of hanging around all those lawyers at the courthouse. MUTT AND JEFF 33, GLAND PRIZE 14.
n HOWLAND at LAKESIDE (played last night) — Van McBreath might have brought a whiff of fresh air to the Draggin’s last year had he not been named to the post so late he was left gasping for air. Lakesize was a big fish in a small pond in the Any C, but finds itself relegated to the status of minnow in the PAC-Man. At least so far. Let’s face it, Charredtown and Will-it-ever-be have been starks in the league and Mad-as-a-son and Riverslide shared the title last year. Here are directions to Lakesize for Howlin’ fans: Shoot up Route 11. Go to the Boola, Boola Mall. Stores have some nifty clothes there, along with some very open spaces to assemble and get your act together. Then go home. The Draggins’ have seen plenty of acts, including a few tragic ones. HOWLIN’ AT THE MOON 26, IT’S A DRAGGIN’ JUST TO SEE YOU (See Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits) 12.
n CHAMPION at EDGEWOOD — Once upon a time, the Worriers were champions (of something, at least I think so), and that’s no fairy tale. But Edge of Night has played the role of Sleeping Beauty for so long Yours Truly has lost count. Elmira was once a raving beauty (well, raving, anyway ... Ouch, there goes that frying pan again), too, and look at her now. Joe Carny has taken over the Worriers’ reins now and Carny has a knack of rebuilding programs. He rebuilt Chefferson. He rebuilt Ptooietuning Valley. He rebuilt Harb ... er, you get my drift anyway. Champion, oh so many years ago lived up to its name, but that was a while ago. At breakfast, the Flushes like to eat their Wheaties, but are now better known for their spark plugs, which so many of their players resemble. You know, as in sparking their team. I would never insult a team’s looks, especially one that I, among most people, know so little about. CHAMPS 30, WORRIERS 26.
n OBERLIN at SS. JOHN AND PAUL — SS. John, Paul, George and Ringo benefit from Lakesize’s decision to begin the seizin’ on Thursday and get to play at the Draggin’s lair, where their fans will fill up roughly five percent of the seats, at least if they come out in force. Overdone is known as a liberal place, so the Burned Suppers will probably allow the Harolds to score. Maybe. No word on how many people will make the long, long trip to Saybrook Township, let alone how many will be able to find the place if they do. All in all, it looks like a small gate for the Fab Four. Perhaps the hosts will have to have another bingo night or 50-50 raffle to make up the difference. OBOES 14, SERGEANT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND 8.
n WICKLIFFE at GENEVA — Wow, this makes five futileball games in Boola, Boola County this weekend! Be still, my heart. Of course, taking them all in would be an impossible task, but it’s not one I’d undertake regardless. I’ve seen these scrods play in the past. I haven’t checked out the field conditions at Grapeburg yet, but I fear the worst. Why put money in a field that is designated for the scrap pile as early as 2009? Yes, the Equals could be playing in Harpersfield next year, just a short jaunt from the wineries on Route 534. So at least the trip could be worth it of one makes a side trip or two, a prospect that admittedly appeals to me. The Wicked Lifters replaced Will-it-ever-be on the Equals’ schedule recently, but now that Grapeville seems destined to join the PAC-Man next year, it’ll be just one more Leggs County tribe destined to count coup on the Boola, Boola Countians. We all know how Grapeton has done against Leggs County recently. Mad-as-a-son, Nukeville, Riverslide, South Pole ... it just doesn’t matter. Tony the Tiger Hassle keeps trying to turn things around but it’s tough to do with 160-pound linemen. I smell an upset brewing, however. Or maybe Elmira just burned supper again. SHEKNEEVA 21, WICKED STEPSISTERS 20.
n PERRY at RIVERSIDE — Numberwise, the Pyrites shouldn’t be on the same field, but they looked up the Beavers a few years ago and liked what they saw. The schools are just a few miles apart, something that causes Slide citizens some consternation when they see those clouds of smoke wafting over the nuclear power plant. Fortunately for Pains-filled Township denizens (not so fortunately for those living in Mad-as-a-son), the prevailing winds usually blow from west to east. The Pyrites don’t like straying too far from Aluminum Field since they’re never sure their property will still be there when they return. Peary coach Matt Rosewater returns to try to lead Twin Towers to another Seavy Sea division title, while the Slide has a new mentor in Ryan Woof, Woof, who tries to take over where Matt (I don’t want to be like Mike) Jordan led the Beavers to a share of the PAC-MAN crown in 2007. PERRY KNIVES 35, RIVERSLIDE 24.
n CONNEAUT at SOUTHINGTON — Connie appears to be headed south to play next year, so a trip to Southington is good preparation. Kenny Parisienne and the Spurtin’s are wise to schedule this nontest early in the seizin’, since potential early snows in October could make the roads there nearly impassable. Egad, they’re nearly impassable as it is. Note to Connie bus drivers: Do NOT go down Route 534 under any circumstances, particularly if you are without a cell phone to dial 911 if you go off the road, a common occurrence on this stretch of “road.” Southington is a much smaller school than Connie, which should make them about even... maybe. CONNIE AUGHT 13, SOUTH POLE 12.
n PYMATUNING VALLEY at BERKSHIRE — Jason Rootless seems to have entrenched himself in Pie Valley hearts. Andoverians have always been good at history since they tend to live in the past. At least this is an easy trip for the Lackeys, assuming they can successfully dodge the buggies that clog the roads around Burnedtown. Berks Brothers went through some hard times in the Seavy Sea but eventually found a niche. Unfortunately for the Bachelors, Gland Valley’s Moose-tongues are jilting them in order to collect some Nic-NACS next year. There goes the niche. PEEVY 24, BACHELORS 23.
n MADISON at NORMANDY (played last night) — Mad-as-a-son coach Tim (Whatchatalkinbout) Willis had a pep talk planned to inspire the Blue Shrieks to storm the beaches at Normandy — until he discovered there WERE no beaches at Normandy. As I recall, there’s not much else there, either. The Boo Shrieks, defending co-champions of PAC-Man, only hope the charter buses aren’t too busy. Hitching a ride isn’t all that easy when you’re carrying all that equipment around. MAD-AS-A-SON 26, NORMAN ROCKWELL 25.
n HARVEY at LAKEVIEW — Devlin Gulliver and his Lilliputians leave the friendly confines of Wrecked Creation Park to get a view of the lake. Har, har, there’s no lake in sight at the home of the Bullfrogs. Harve will bolt the Any C soon to join the Seavy Sea. For a while the remaining scrods in the beleaguered Any C were willing to go with invisible rabbits they’d call Harvey and keep the grouping intact, figuring it for a sure win. But the OHSAA (Ohio High School Anal Administrators) thought that a travesty. Heck, the Any C has been a travesty for years. RED RADISHES 33, RABID DOGS 22.
Major Hoople is a freelance writer from parts unknown. Reach him at themajor@starbeacon.com.
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